


No One Deserves You || Mashton

by Vesselmytop



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cute, Cutting, Depressed Michael, Fluffy, M/M, Mashton, Sad, Self Harm, idk if Michael will be top or bottom yet, idk if this will have a sad or happy ending, michael and ashton, probably sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 20:10:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8910370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vesselmytop/pseuds/Vesselmytop
Summary: "You don't understand. FUCK! Michael! No one is fucking worthy of you!"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is from my Wattpad. If you wanna read my user is rallour5sosvamp. This is technically my first work here but it's my 285992 fic there. Enjoy.

"You don't understand. FUCK! Michael! No one is fucking worthy of you! God I wished so hard every day from the second I met you that you'd be preserved in some kind of safe house sanctuary where you can't get harm and live your life safely and away from any time of danger. You're so fucking perfect and you don't even know it! It's just so hard to live and pass every fucking day of my life knowing that you feel a spec less then perfection. You are everything this world needs to be. Beautiful, kind, smart, brave, courageous. God I wish I can be like you!

"I live through life every day from the second I met you thinking that there is no one and nothing out in the world that is as perfect as you are. No one is worthy enough to be around you, to talk to you, to even look at you. You're so fucking perfect- FUCK! Michael why don't you just- why can't you understand that you are everything? You are so- i don't know what to say. I can't fathom how many words there are in the world and I cannot form a long enough description of how perfect you are.

"Michael, no one deserves you."

\---

:::::::WARNING::::::

THIS BOOK WILL CONTAIN TALKING OF DEPRESSION, BULLYING (cyber and regular) and idk what else lmao

AND WILL CONTAIN PARTS OF SELF HARM THAT I WILL NOT BE PUTTING A TRIGGER TO SO IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY PLEASE DO NOT READ FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT

IT WILL ALSO CONTAIN SWEARING AND MAYBE VIOLENCE

THIS BOOK IS BOYXBOY WHICH MEANS ITS 100% GAY AS FUCK SO IF YOURE HOMOPHOBIC OR JUST REALLY BLIND TO READ TITLES AND TAGS PLEASE LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

I THINK THAT WILL BE ALL. HAVE FIN READING MY SHIT.


	2. 1; thirty two

@michael5sos lmao ugly rat

@michael5sos you're so ugly wtf how is that even possible

@michael5sos untalented freak

@michael5sos YOURE SO IFCKUNG FOHG YOURE SO PRETYY IM KITTEN

@michael5sos okay but fuck me please?

@michael5sos trash

@michael5sos go kill yourself

@michael5sos ITS OKAY BABY WE STILL LVOE YOU

@michael5sos no one will ever love you

@michael5sos you're such a fuck up. Way to ruin the band.

Michael sighed and exited the Twitter app, shutting his eyes and rubbing his temple.

He was getting better. At first, it was difficult, the hate. He'd started off with frowning and avoiding, then curiously searching up some stuff making him feel sad, and then came the depression.

All celebrities went (or will go) through depression. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. Getting hurt by tons of people that know so much about you, but you know jack shit about them. It's scary and disgusting. Because honestly? What the fuck did they ever do to you for you to be so rude and disrespectful to them?

He's learned over time that haters gonna hate because they're jealous and that he should be proud of who he was just as much as the fans were.

Of course, he'll have his off days, where he was itching for a release. A way to escape. His mind swirling with words hidden at the back of his mind. He knows they're not true, but right now, all and anything negative is everything he can hear.

Today, he messed up on the radio acoustic show, the tv live show, the interviews and the concert. He knows he shouldn't have checked Twitter or any social media but he couldn't help his curiosity, which led to this.

He's now curled up in the corner of the bathroom of a hotel somewhere in the world- he's forgotten at his current state- tears about to escape as he hums loudly, trying to over lap the negativity swimming in his mind. He's rocking back and forth, clenching every part of his body against each other, sobbing and whimpering.

He's kinda glad that he's got his own hotel room and he's kinda sad that none of the boys know what's going on so that they can cuddle him and run there fingers through his hair. But this is his battle to fight and he will win.

But right now, he can't. He's shaking and crying and he sees the piece of metal laying two feet away from him and he's so tempted, and he caved of course.

He weakly untangled himself and strips before grabbing the razor from the floor and shudders at the coolness.

Of course he's not stupid to do it on his wrists. Everyone would notice at some point and he didn't want pity or help, he could do it on his own. So he breathes out heavily before dragging the razor across his thighs.

One.

Two.

Three.

...

Thirteen.

...

Twenty four.

...

Thirty two.

Thirty two across his arms and legs. 

And he drops to the floor with a broken sob, vision blurry, body bloody. He scoots himself back to the door and pulls his bloody legs to his chest. I'll clean that up later, he tells himself, but instead, he falls asleep naked on the cold hard ground of the bathroom at some hotel somewhere in the world, at 3 in the morning.

###

He forgot to charge his phone last night, was the first thing that popped into his mind, and then the next was the fact that his phone had enough battery to blast his regular 5:30am alarm.

He slowly lifts his eyelids and looks around at his surroundings, noticing at the soreness in his neck and back.

He lifts himself off the floor and sighs, turning off the alarm.

I was 3 months clean and I just had to fuck it up. 

He grabs toilet paper- he's not gonna get the towels dirty and raise suspicions- and wet it, cleaning the ground of its bloody state and throwing and re-wetting it when it was soaked in blood. Once he's done with that, he goes into the shower and rids himself from excess blood, sweat, tears, and dirt.

He got out of the shower not even bothering to check himself in the mirror and threw the razor down the toilet because, well, he's got too many and he can buy new ones, and grabbed his phone along with the dirty clothes.

He ran out of the bathroom and quickly put his clothes dirty away and put on some fresh underwear and skinny jeans, afraid that one of the boys would burst into his room and see the new scars on his skin. He puts on a tank top and threw himself on the bed.

At the beginning of his depression, he wore sweaters all the time, 25/7. They were extra large sweaters that hung over his shoulders because he actually believed that he was fat, but when he was getting better he forced himself to keep only 2 sweaters in his suitcases. Yes, he was still self conscious about his weight but not as much as he was 2 years ago.

At the corner of his eyes he noticed a bunch of bags- okay 3 bags whatever- laying by the hotel door. He realized that those were gifts some fans gave him and he smiled timidly.

Once he got comfortable on the bed when he got the bags, he opened the first one which was a green bag that had green hair Michael tapped all over it (he may or may not have chuckled at how cute it was). It had a stuffed animal of a lion that looked like Daniel and a letter, so he grabbed Daniel Jr.- yes he went there- and put him on his lap and opened the letter. To sum it all up, it basically spoke about how amazingly beautiful he was and how he saved the fans life, making him smile slightly. The next bag had a toy story bobble head and a letter similar to the first. The last bag had a ken doll- he doesn't understand why the fans keep giving him ken dolls- and a letter filled with jokes.

It's stuff like this that makes him realize how lucky he is to be alive and how amazing the fans are.

So he grabbed his phone and went on Twitter to compose a tweet.

Good morning! Fans are great, band's great, I'm great. We're all great.

And quickly after that he composed a new tweet.

Kill them with kindness! I love you guys. xx


	3. Chapter 2; not your d-

"MIKEY!" The door flew open to his hotel room revealing Ashton with a huge grin, followed by calum and Luke dragging themselves across the room with a scowl on there face. As soon there knees hit the feet of the bed, they fell face flat.

"You do realize that we're leaving, like, now?" Ashton chuckled at the youngest members laying on michael's hotel bed groaning.

"Leave me alone." Calum mumbled into the bed, but still got up and slung his arms around Ashton's neck, tucking his head in his neck.

This always happens. You can say that calum and Luke are the 'sluts' of the band, I.e. that they always want and need affection. And even though Michael knows that it's a brotherly/friendly gesture that Ashton shows to the younger ones, he still feels like someone is stabbing him in the heart, twisting and thrusting constantly, but hey, that's just him.

And then a phone broke the "cashton" standing snuggle and Ashton removed calum from him and grabbed his phone from his pocket.

"Hi?"

"Hey babe!"

Bryana...

"We're heading out for an early interview now!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"No."

"Oh my god!"

"Oh my god!" Michael mimicked, causing Luke and calum to chuckle.

"Okay I gotta go babe."

"Love you."

"Yeah."

"Bye."

"A lot."

He hung up and was smiling so widely, one corner of his mouth to the other.

"You're so lucky you've got a hot ass model as a girlfriend." Calum grumbled.

"Must be tapping that any time you can." Luke joined in, but more of in a joking manner.

"She's so perfect." Ashton sighs dreamily.

She is. Nice. Pretty. Skinny. Model. Beautiful. Kind. Cute. Perfect.

Everything I'm no-

"Let's go!" Michael hopes out of bed before finishing his thought, startling the rest of his band. "Well?" He swung the door to his hotel room wide open.

~~~

"What do you mean we're at the wrong studio?!" Michael yelled at the driver.

"I'm sorry! They gave me the wrong address!" The man frantically spoke, sweating. "But the studio is only 5 minutes away! I swear!" He shoved the GPS in Michaels face and surely it was 5 minutes away.

"Just go!" Michael snapped.

"What's gotten into your ass Mikey?" Ashton raised an eyebrow at him, who was sitting to his left with calum and Luke across from them.

Not your d- "I just don't wanna be late."

"Right." Ashton rolled his eyes, playing along with Michaels excuse because who are we kidding? 95% of the time they're late for anything is because of Michael, but of course no one says anything.

One they get into the studio of the interview place- the name is new to them, something along the lines of bedazadoolded?- and was instantly greeted with fans at the front door, followed by waves and eyes racking from employers.

"Hello!" A voice had spoken, a man, where there was a platform and 3 large couches with a coffee table in the centre. "I'm Gab! And welcome to Bling Dale!" Okay so Michael was just a bit off of the name. "And if you'll gladly sit with me on these beautiful couches with me!" He smiled widely, walking backwards towards the couch, guiding the band.

As soon as they were in view on the stage, screams were pouring into the studio.

"Never get tired of that, eh?" George laughed, sitting on the couch.

"Totally gab!" - Michael really needs to pay attention to names- Calum rolled his eyes, but he had a hint of happiness in his eyes.

Ashton sat beside the interviewer, calum quickly falling into the couch in the 'middle' with his arm draping on the back of it and Luke sitting beside him. And okay, maybe if they weren't stupid, Michael would have space to sit on either couch, but no, no one wants to give him any space to sit so he just sits alone facing Ashton and the interviewer.

"Hello guys!" Michael waved to the crowd, receiving a cheer.

"Hey!" Calum smiled widely like a puppy and people squealed out his.

Luke only waved and everyone nearly fainted.

"Hi!!" Ashton giggled brightly, waving like a maniac towards the fans. They all said hi back to him and wow Michael's day just can't get any worse can it? Everyone's always so happy to see the rest of the band but him.

"Alright!" Gab spoke up, clapping his hands together. "So we're gonna get a few questions off Twitter then Facebook then tumblr and then from fans in the crowd. Sounds fun?!"

"Yeah!" We all cheered together, even though it was too early for this.

"Alright so let's go."

###

"I'd definitely rather eat popcorn from between Ashton toes then lick ketchup off michael's hand." Calum shivered in disgust.

"I second that." Luke chipped in.

Duh. Who would wanna touch m-

"Alight!" Gab laughed. "And now for questions from the crowd!"

"I know this isn't a question but we love you!"

"We love you too!" They said altogether.

"How are you?"

"Amazing!" Ashton smiled brightly.

"Good." Calum smiled, Luke repeating his actions.

"Tired." Michael mumbled into his mic.

"Aww." Ashton cooed along with the crowd. "Next time don't stay up till 3 playing video games silly!"

And yeah, even though that was stereotypically what he did, yet didn't, Michael couldn't help but laugh. Everyone else was laughing because 'true only Michael stays up to play games' but Michael is laughing at them and how stupid they are for thinking he's actually off playing video games.

"Next question!" Gab beamed.

"When do you believe it's appropriate for privacy? I honestly need people to realize this."

"You know...." And Ashton is going off about how privacy is appropriate all the time but if he were with the band and there were fans or paps he wouldn't mind but if he was alone with his family or something (emphasis on something because let's be real that would be his dates with Bryana) that people should lay off. And of course no one disagrees.

"Okay we only have enough for one more question!"

"Why don't you just kick Michael out of the band? Luke's a better guitarist anyways."

Spoke to soon.

And it was so quiet in the room you can hear a feather float and hit the ground. It was such an off guarded question, but as soon as the words had processed through everyone's minds, Ashton had called for security because holy shit it's one thing to bash on one person but for dozens to bash someone to- basically- death, is another.

Big men swarmed into the crowd and pulled off the teenage girls from the one lying on the ground that had uttered such stupid- true to Michael- words. Not even seconds later, Dave had come running in the room dragging the four Aussies out, leaving the band members to yell out 'thank you's and 'I love you's.

"That was honestly such a stupid question." Luke groaned, wrapping his arms around Michael, followed by Calum and lastly Ashton.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not 5 Seconds of Summer without Michael Clifford, right?" Ashton pipped in, followed by a mumble of 'yeah's from Calum and Luke.

And Michael can't remember the last time someone hugged him, let alone the last time they all just cuddled together (whether it was in bed a car or the bus). It's been so long since they've actually paid attention to his physical self that he nearly punched each of them for hugging him.

"Alright alright!" Michael faked a chuckle. "I get it. get off me now, ya goofs!"

And once they untangled themselves from him, Michael unlocked his phone and went to Twitter, already seeing that what happened just mere minutes ago was trending so he just tweeted.

You guys are my world. You mean everything to me. Thank you so much. #realfanssavebands #weloveyoumichael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is bae


	4. 3; Sakura haruno

A week later after the incident at the bongolo- okay so Michael isn't very good with remembering names- interview, they were in New York City. They had landed a few hours ago, now being it 9, and grabbed something to eat, then went shopping. During that time they got to meet some fans (obviously).

Michael, of course, spoke loudly and smiled and giggled a lot (the usual to the band and the fans), not  wanting anyone to be suspicious of his behaviour. And as per usual, they would shove him lightly with a chuckle telling him to lower his voice or roll there eyes with a fond smile.

To Michael though, it seemed like they were annoyed by him, but he couldn't help himself. He can't help himself by the fact that he needs to do these things, pretend to be happy to the point that maybe one day it'll settle in, and he'll be actually happy. But of course after 2 years of trying, there's a high chance of that not happening. This was the person he was before it all started, so he tried to preserve it.

As soon as they stepped into there hotel lobby a peppy, high pitched voice squealed, "Ashton!"

Bryana.

"Bri!" Ashton smiled, opening his arms wide open with a smile as Bryana ran into his arms and smiled into his chest.

The first thing that popped into Michael's head was that should be me by Justin Bieber. The second thing that popped into his head was how beautifully thin and glowing she was.

"What are you doing here babe?" Ashton he whispered into her hair, proceeding to give it a kiss and caress it.

She squeezed him tightly and let go, giving him a bright smile as she put her hands clasped behind her back while rocking on her heels. "Well, I have the next week off and I knew you did too, with little interviews here in the city so... Surprise."

Ashton giggled and put his arm around her neck, giving it a light squeeze.

"Oh and," Bryana looked up at him with an innocent face, batting her lashes. "I have a surprise for you later."

It was meant to be a whisper, but it was a loud enough whisper for the rest of the boys to jump into the air and smack each other all over the place while Calum whispered "he's gonna get some tonight!" (Michael may have died just a little inside).

Ashton coughed lightly from feeling uncomfortable yet still giggled because he's getting some tonight. "Well, I'm- I'm going back to my, uh, room. Take care lads, alright?"

Luke and Calum sent him a wink and nudged each other while Michael stood there staring at the floor. He couldn't bare to pretended to be happy for his mate because it crushed him.

Ashton gave Michael a worried once-over but brushed it off as him being tired. "Alright, see you guys tomorrow." And then he was gone.

"Aw man." Calum pouted, slumping into a double couch, being joined by Luke.

"What's wrong Calum?" Luke asked with worry.

"Knowing Ashton is getting some and were not is making me sad face." Calum pouted even more. The other two couldn't help but laugh at his immaturity, making him slouch even more into the couch.

"I got an idea." Luke said after finishing his hysteria of laughter.

"What is it?" Calum grumbled. "Laugh some more?"

"Well yes, but no." The blonde stood up with a grin and Calum followed behind him (only with a confused expression) as he walked over to the elevator. "I was thinking more of an... Outing?"

Calum gave Luke a wide grin and hugged him. "I knew your singing wasn't the only reason we were friends." And then they were gone up the elevator, completely forgetting about Michael.

~~~

At first, Michael spent the first 2 hours staring between the elevator and out the lobby door in hurt and confusing, then he went to the lobby's restaurant-bar and ate (mostly sat there and stared at his food) then soon enough, went upstairs, bumping into Luke and Calum who completely ignored him as they walked into the elevator laughing about God knows what. And once again, he was hurt.

He was thinking about going to see Ashton but he quickly realized that he was with her (don't get him wrong, he adores her, like wow she's gorgeous and funny and sweet), so he dropped all ideas and went straight to his room, locking the door behind him and fell to the ground, pulling his legs to his chest with a little sign escaping him.

The only thing that's been running through Michael's mind is the interview for the past couple of hours, and a bunch of other things. And it was weird because he hadn't thought about it much before now because the boys and the moving around, but now that he's alone and stuck in a hotel room for a week- alone- with the boys completely ignoring his existence, that's the only thing that's running through his mind.

How they hate him, how the fans hate him, how they pretend to like him for the sake of the band. How easily they can ditch and forget him just like that, like a kid getting a new toy, play and take care of and then never touch it again. He knew he was useless but the fact that there's a daily reminder on social medias and the way his 'best friends' look at him.

He uncurled himself from the floor and stretch his legs in front of him, reaching his fingers to his toes. He relaxed his muscles and sat in that position for a few minutes before getting up and going into the bathroom. he begun to take off his long sleeve button up shirt slowly, revealing his tummy of scars (he winced, as usual), following his shoulders, then his elbows where his tattoos were. He couldn't seem to take off his shirt. He wanted to put it back on and never look at himself again, but you see, he has this obsession of looking into the mirror and looking at his flaws, whether they were new flaws or ones that he's discovered long ago.

One of his ugliest flaws- other then his actual self- were the scars he'd inflict on himself, whether it's his tummy, arms, thighs and sometimes his ankles, he's always hated them- but he also loves creating them.

He let the sleeve of his left arm fall off slowly, showing off the few cuts he did last week. Now, they're faded (unlike the ones on his tummy) but if you took off the foundation or looked close and hard enough, you'd be able to see them. Then he let his right arm's sleeve come off, making the shirt fall to the ground. Even though he's right handed, he's created more scars then the left arm, which made him self conscious about if people would see them or not so he wore a ton of bracelets that the fans had given him.

The next thing he knew, he was naked in front of the mirror, running his soft hands over his rough yet soft skin all over his body. The more he touched, the more he felt hatred for every millimetre of his body. He grabbed his bathroom luggage- they all had luggages for clothes, bathroom accessories and whatever else- and took a mini silver box out of it, unlocking it with the key that was hidden under the box. He looked into it and stared at the razor for a few seconds before taking it and setting the box onto the counter.

Michael fell to the ground, legs crossed. He stared at the item between his fingers intently. He wanted to. The last time he did it was 3 days ago on his thighs.His eyes racked over the scars of his thighs and grimaced slightly before looking back at the blade. He just couldn't bare with the pain he's been feeling today. He tried cooling off earlier, giving himself time to settle into the feeling. Sometimes it works, he takes about an hour to two hours to calm down before he does any type of harm, but today isn't the day. He still feels like shit, gut wrenching, heart clenching, muscle tightening.

He took a shaky breathe as a tear slipped past him.

And he began.

~~~

Not as critical as the day of the interview, but just enough to get rid of the feeling for the night. He went into the shower and cleaned himself from the blood, along with the whatever was on the floor with the toilet paper.

He slipped into clean clothes and about to go into bed, but no, someone just had to knock at his door at- he checked the time on his phone to make sure- and yup, 2 in the morning.

He grunted and rolled out of bed, dragging his feet to the hotel room door and unlocking it.

"What?" he yawned, swinging the door open.

"oh hey." someone giggled.

Michael quirked an eyebrow at the girl in front of him and she just giggled, patting him on the chest.

"You're not Falicity but you are super cute." she hummed, stumbling on her feet. Michael grabbed her arm and started bringing her in when she spoke again with a giggle. "If you're gonna fuck me at least have the decency to tell me your name cutie."

Michael nearly tripped over his own two feet but kept his composure. "Well... uh... I'm not going to.. fuck you. But I'm michael."

"Oh!" she giggled, as if she had the most precious baby in her arms being all cute. "Well I'm... Ash..? No... Gra- no that's not me..."

"You're drunk."

"No, that's not my name."

Michael set the stranger in his hotel bed and took off her heels along with her clothes, making sure not to 'peek'. She clung onto his neck asking him for a 'kissy wissy' before he tucked her in (his excuse was that they were complete strangers and she said 'well you were about to fuck me so just kiss me at least'- he didn't).

Once she had fallen asleep, he put her phone to charge rather then his own and set up the couch to sleep on (he didn't even have a pillow, it was merely just a thin blanket).

He didn't know the time, but what he did know was that he had stayed up until sunrise- maybe even past that- overthinking his life.

~~~

"there's a strange man in my room falicity!" a voice whisper yelled.

Michael was confused at first but the memories of what had happened last night flushed into his mind and he let out a huge sigh, throwing his arm over his face.

"Actually, it's mine." his groggy morning voice spoke. "came into my room around 2am, took the liberty to give you my bed. you're welcome."

"i'm naked!" the girl screamed, quickly followed by a gasp and groan. "fuck this hangover."

"and i'm gay." michael yawned, turning over in the couch to face where the girl was slowly coming out of under the cover.

"really?" she whispered. michael nodded. "can you close the blinds and curtains? i have a killer hang over?"

"could tell. didn't even know your own name." michael laughed, getting off the couch to do as she asked, hearing a whisper of 'shut up falicity' and a beep.

"Well, it's Sakura."

"like..." he furrowed his eyebrows together. "naruto's sakura?"

"no." she sighed. "it's a japanese cherry blossom. they're the most beautiful trees in the world."

"oh." he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her.

"yeah. oh." she fiddled her fingers together, probably a habit of when things get awkward.

and then there was silence until she spoke again. "well, i need pain killer, water, food and your name."

"and why would you need the name of a mere servant?" michael teased.

"incase i need to fire you. i have many servants you know." she played along with a smirk.

"alright miss haruno, don't inflate your ego that much. i'll be back in 10 minutes with the supplies needed for a hangover." he rolled his eyes, walking over to the hotel room door.

"be gone, peasant." she waved him off, fanning herself dramatically.

he rolled his eyes again but couldn't help but smile as he shut the door behind him (lightly).


End file.
